Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.