Watermelon Boss!
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
New menu item
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
What kind of a cult is this?