cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
How does one answer this?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.