It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
consequences, the bane of my existence
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I can鈥檛 keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I鈥檓 late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don鈥檛 you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend鈥檚 younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: i鈥檓 so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn鈥檛 have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I鈥檓 not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.