It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’m not proud
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine