@Fickle_Filly: It wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment further but that's not going to stop me.
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@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@xJLynn: If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?
@KalvinMacleod: Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.