It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us