Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
You Might Also Like
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.