Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Not messing around
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Husband of the year 😂
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right