It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Don’t snitch tag.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
how was your vacation
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.