It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
A game married people play.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence