(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Why soy sad?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.