IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
🤣
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”