IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.