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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Tell me you get it…🤣
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.