It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
#parenting
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”