It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
ibopfufen
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Am I having a stroke?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant