It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
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Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water