@LizHackett: It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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@Reverend_Scott: [first date at restaurant] ME: so, do you like dogs? HER: no, not really- ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
@MarlonBrandNO: Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES Me: Of course you don't, you're a date Blind Date: WHAT Me: Kind of like a big raisin