It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The two types of wives
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.