It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.