It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’ve had relationships like this
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel