It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Botany good plants lately?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I only eat vegetarians.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!