Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Good morning.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.