Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Tony Hawk, age 6
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.