“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
adding to the discourse
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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