“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪