“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i can’t wait that long
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.