Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
“I’m helping” 😅
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Spider-cat: No One Home
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.