“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
one last job
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*