“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
You Might Also Like
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.