“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel