“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Traveler’s camo
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.