It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“What?”
– Jude
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute