It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
new wife guy just dropped
Pandas 🐼🖤
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
We’ve all been there
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Reporter: *ports again*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?