It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.