“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.