“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way