Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!