It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Sunday
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years