every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.