The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it