“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
You Might Also Like
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.