It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates