I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.