[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’