It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Pretty much. 🤣
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I put the hot in psychotic.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday