@pleatedjeans: Sad that Batman's never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

@OmarImranTweets: 13 year old girls be like "I need a man who.. " Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

@trouteyes: BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@VenisVal: Ab Muscles: You're having ANOTHER cookie? Brain: Yep! Ab Muscles: You're just never planning on seeing us again? Brain: Nope!

@david8hughes: Me: what make of dog is that? Her: breed Me [hands on knees]: I am, I'm just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is