It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP