Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@DBMaxP: It's a good thing I'm off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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@cervixsmash: I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries

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@KyleMcDowell86: [Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste [Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

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@dave_cactus: When you do drugs, you're also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: does your beard keep you warm? Me: does your mustache keep you warm? Coworker.... Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA

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@NewDadNotes: Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior? Me: of course! please come in! [door slams shut and locks] [lights dim] [my PowerPoint presentation begins] Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

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