It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?