ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Have kids, they said
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.