Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.