@5exyunchained: It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
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@ericsshadow: How to cure a headache 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
@rockymomax: [before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.