@5exyunchained: It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
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@edfoxcomedy: "On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you're in charge." - my advice to new teachers
@WillMckenzieNot: At a restaurant: "Would you like a table?" "No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
@jerm1991: Astronaut: wtf is this NASA: it's space food A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars N: look we get it but- A: no no I'm coming down
@Sassafrantz: If you go to the zoo and he doesn't help you steal a monkey, he's not that into you.