@kelkulus: It's a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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@BlindChow: [1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan
@JasonLastname: Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
@HomeProbably: The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell. Now no one ever knocks on my door.