It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.